Selective Cropping

Sometimes as humans we need to reassure other people that everything is ok.  Be it employers, friends, or loved ones- sometimes we need to give them a more peaceful version of reality, even if that requires telling some teeny tiny white lies.

I’ve found that selective cropping is an excellent way to give others the peace of mind that they deserve. I don’t think it makes me a horrible, horrible liar per se… It just makes me… uhh… Considerate? Thoughtful? A wonderfully delightful, caring, sweet, lovable girl? Yes, all those words describe me perfectly.  Also fascinatingly wise like a turtle, and kind of like a superhero tiger who can fly and also has lasers for eyes.  Ok there, description of me complete. And now onto the examples of selective cropping I may have used in the past…

Petsitting

Text Message: Hey there!  R2Dog2 is doing great!  Here he is having a blast on the beach!  Hope your vacation is going well!

Photo Sent After Selective Cropping:IMG_0944 copy Original Photo:IMG_0944

Babysitting

Text Message: Everything is going smoothly! Your children are such delights, and so creative!

Photo Sent After Selective Cropping: IMG_0986 copy 2 Original Photo:IMG_0986

At University

Text Message:  Hey mom, uni is a blast!  Here’s a picture of me working away. Shooting for summa cum laude!

Photo Sent After Selective Cropping:IMG_0992 Original Photo: IMG_09913

And remember, selective cropping is not REALLY lying. After all, that cropped part was always a part of the picture! It’s more like filtering out the garbage really.  Think of it as a life purifier. Come to think of it I’m kind of like a goddam volunteer hero picking up garbage off the side of the road while rescuing children from a hurricane and teaching them to speed read all at the same time.

Mission complete.

134 Comments

  1. OMG, this is frigging hilarious. I’m never going to look at a picture the same now!

  2. ROFL – pure awesomeness 😀

  3. You crack me up so much, keep it up 😀

  4. This is amazing. I’m laughing so hard right now!

  5. I, too, took history of rock n roll. The professor was clearly worried that students were taking it as a blow-off class, so he made it freaking hard. It was all tests on dates of record excutives’ birthdays and on which particlar date Ozzy snorted the ants, etc.

  6. You know, even major news organizations do this selective cropping all the time. You might have a career at a place like CNN or BBC.

  7. This is great! Made me think of other Photoshop tools that would come in handy in real life, there are plenty.

  8. You are a very naughty artist!

  9. Hilariously awesome. I usually just crop out as much fat as possible. I am clearly missing soooo many possibilities.

  10. Reblogged this on Niki.V.all.ways.My.way. and commented:
    #ReadingNow

  11. Pure genius!
    I wish I had learnt the art of cropping when I was at uni. The picture I sent to my mum of me leaning against a desk and smiling, was a nice shot…or would have been if it weren’t for the midget and the gallon ton tub of Vaseline in the background.

  12. Ho ho … yep, the story of the kid who’s left home!!! (As a mum, I selectively crop any wilder thoughts of how they live now …! After all, they’re staying alive & working … as presumably are you :-)) Thanx for sharing …

  13. Very creative! Love your stuff.

  14. What the crop! Of course I will no longer be able to view a picture without wondering about it’s possible edits.

  15. That was an awesome idea! You are amazing! Great, great post!

  16. Genius yet again!!
    You must have a blast writing and illustrating these wonderful little jewels of wisdom.

  17. Reblogged this on justme0486 and commented:
    Too funny not to share with you dear reader 😆

  18. I really know what you mean there!!

  19. I see you learned this lesson early:
    “What do you think of my drawing, mom?”
    It’s [REDACTED: fucking insane! It would be] lovely [REDACTED: if I had a normal kid]”

  20. Awesome. I think I have experience all of those, but I opted to delete the picture and call. Great stuff as usual!!

  21. There is a black bar across the fun bags of the sweet piece in that last picture. Thanks for ruining my Friday.

  22. Soooooooo hilarious!! Thanks for sharing.

  23. OMG
    LMAO
    AT WORK!

  24. Forget photos. I want selective cropping of my life.

  25. Me thinks I’ve be showing more than I should have in my photos. Creative Cropping is going to sweep the country!

  26. I had to laugh and I enjoyed all you said here. :)

  27. Ahahaha! Absolutely hilarious! If only I could selectively crop my life…

  28. I wonder what kind of major would require somebody to study the History of Rock & Roll, Goat Herding 101, Soviet Era Stamps, and Esperanto…

  29. The “at the university” photo made me laughed like a clown HAHAHAHA

  30. Omg its hilarious!!! And at the same time it has a beautiful truth unleashed..Great work!!!

  31. Hysterical laughter!! Can’t breathe, laughing so hard!! You are too darn funny!!!!

  32. Have you considered working as a political consultant? America needs you!

  33. Reblogged this on arcade # 1775 and commented:
    this is hilarious

    #xd

  34. Reblogged this on koolest1uknow and commented:
    Love it! Hilarious!

  35. Reblogged this on AnaSpoke.com and commented:
    It’s not often that you come across something so educational and hilarious at the same time.

  36. I kept hearing that song, “accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative” as I was looking at these posts… although, in this case, you’d want to leave only mr. in-between.

    • If I had to eliminate the negative, then I might almost completely disappear! 😀

      • Well, in context, the negative was whatever gave a negative impression of you… I’m not sure if I would use the song as general advice, or even if it was meant that way. It seems to be more about focus before a performance than general living, which is a big thing for professional performers, and I guess anything you do for presentation would face that pressure, so I think that is where it was really meant to apply.

  37. OMG! this is my kind of humour, the first one with the dogs and the face of the women in the third made me laugh most (just the pure insanity of it), I also used to have a Mohawk like that, I might bring it back for university, I’d rather be the guy that gets cropped out of other peoples uni photos 😀

    • Thanks so much! The dog picture is actually one I’ve done when pet sitting a few times, like that exact picture just about.

      Awesome about the mohawk,I sometimes wish I had one! Definitely planning on being the person cropped out of the photo is the way to live. I’m usually the one out of the picture, but that’s just because I jump behind bushes if someone gets out their camera…

  38. Ahhhhh! What U.K time r u posting ur blog?????

  39. These are very funny! Love it 😂

  40. This may be your best yet rofl :)

  41. Ha ha! This reminds me of Freshman year of college, getting used to pandemonium (I mean freedom) locked out of my room by evil heinous roommates while down the hall two dimwit girls would make out every Friday night with these really skiivy guys (could they really have been students as it was a top 10 state university)…looks like your college picture… I love your work so much I check for it every day.

  42. Reblogged this on Riley Amos Westbook and commented:
    Awesome.

  43. No matter where and how it’s applied, selective cropping is a true art form. We’re saving the world from information it can’t handle, one tiny slice at a time. 😀 Loved the post!
    Cheers,
    Kathryn

  44. Not lies, but half truth just like shortlisting facts to get screened responses 😀

  45. I actually did this when babysitting a couple years ago! ROFL

  46. I really liked these. I can’t pick a favorite. Each one had my laughing out loud.

  47. Thanks so much for sharing!!! 😀 💜💜

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